So many strange things just sort of happen. You can’t plan them, or predict them. Sometimes you don’t even know they’ve happened until three days later.

 

I haven’t had a real place to live in a few months, because I’m lazy, because I’m busy, because I changed jobs (twice, I guess).

 

Those aren’t the only reasons. I also change my mind a lot.

 

My mother said to me the other day that in certain ways, I was so much like her mother. What? My mother rarely speaks kindly about Grandma, and I remember three main things about her:

 

1)       Veiny hands

2)       Hated our dog Lady

3)       Had a very “eat your vegetables” attitude.

 

I’d find out later that she had a particular affinity for me. She must have enjoyed crippling shyness.

 

My mother continued “My mother had a few absolutes in her life. There were certain things that she just believed in, and didn’t budge on. You’re just like that.”

 

That’s pretty much true. I’m full of dealbreakers. It’s one of the reasons that relationships don’t work out for me. I find it difficult to deal with people who don’t meet certain standards, however arbitrary they might be. I think them through, but they only seem to make sense to me. Like the fact that I find hard affiliations to political parties meaningless.

 

The thing is, I know that I would never live up to my own standards, because I change my mind all the time. I could go to bed dreaming of the perfect apartment that absolutely had to be in Inwood, where I would speak Spanish to my super and take the A train and have pretty red walls and a t-shirt pillow. I would work tirelessly for weeks trying to find the perfect apartment. And then suddenly, hey! I want to live in Riverdale! Closer to my sister, L-shaped studio with bedroom alcove, bring a guy home from the bar in three or four short steps. Or maybe Pittsburgh…

 

Can you be absolute, and also live in a constant state of flux? I honestly don’t know. But I’m starting to wonder why I’m so often compared to old people.